I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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