24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
