the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
