I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
