My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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