I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
