OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
