based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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