Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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