the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
