shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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