My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
