Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its not stalking. its research.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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