the condom got lost in my hair
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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