My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
