Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
