If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
