Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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