Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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