My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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