I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
