I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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