Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
