after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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