another moral hangover. fuck.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
