I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
