I just cut my nipple shaving
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
