just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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