Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
