Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
