if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
