Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize