It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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