i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Randomize
