i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
