youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
