Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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