If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
