quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
