Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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