And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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