Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
