Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
