Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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