We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
