True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
