My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
