Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
