btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
