My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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