there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
